So there it is, I have become a widow.
We has become me.
Almost two years after diagnosis.
I have taken possession of him. His clothes, his car, his children, his memories are all mine to with as I see fit.
So I take possession. Drink out of his coffee cup, wear his watch, delete his files, preserve his memories, donate that which I deem unnecessary, save what I feel are treasures. It is astounding how much there is to a persons life. How while in the maze we can not possibly imagine the nooks and cranny's that go into making it. The intricate turns and surprise dead ends leave you crawling on the ground. Every path we take we leave a bit of ourselves in the trail. Sometimes we circle back not sure if we heading the right way, sometimes we stay and grow the vines into a home and build a maze within the maze. While holding the maze of his life in my lap I am forced to lay mine on top. Layer his maze with mine. It is strange how in death his maze does not stop. It simply becomes mine.
I have to keep moving in the maze.
Most widows and widowers gather our strength and find a new plan A. I was reminded at camp widow this past weekend we do not settle for plan B. Who would willingly choose the B plan. It will take time to get there, my plan A changed many times during my marriage and it will likely be fluid for sometime. I will get there though. I will take possession. These things will become mine. In time the everything that was us will become the everything that is me.
He left us in degrees and then abruptly all at once. I figure we will be reversing that process. In degrees we will become whole again and then one day seemingly all at once we will be standing in clearing of the maze, sun on our faces. We will begin to gather to vines to build a new maze within the maze.
Posted in: on Wednesday, April 24, 2013 at at 10:55 AM
in degrees in degrees. love you.